darkness

It comes to her like no other, much the same way it always has anymore. Calm, cool and inviting. She realizes that she was never really afraid of it, but the unknown. What it brought to her without her realizing it all. That first painful realization that she could actually fear something like this. The honesty that effected her, the control lost, but it was by her own emotions. The loss of self that she continues to struggle with. It was far too painful, what was lost even if it is held up against the gains. She was never meant for this, even for the way she swears it tickles her skin. That way it molds and bends, changing and shifting to her will. It's so beautiful it hurts but it still isn't hers. She misses the old darkness, the way it was when she didn't know. Being out of the loop where knowledge was found. It made the world easier, to pretend and not see it all. But now? No one and nothing can save her. Fear held her, wrapped around her curiosity and tightly. Squeezing like a snake against prey, the grip harder, rougher. Was she even alive? The amount of doubt that was left, if she held the energy to scream she would. There was simply no reason to bother. Where she was left, this darkness, it was empty because she had given up on all of these people and herself. She had let go of whatever this reality was and found that she shouldn't be part of it. Another piece to a puzzle that was left to be decided upon by something that was greater than her. Whatever it was, it would find her even as she waved a hand and found herself enveloped in this new darkness. How easy was it to find this new little black hole to sink into where no one would find her? The ability to jump through to other dimensions, to leave it all behind and be somewhere she couldn't hurt anyone else, including herself. The pain she felt each day she had to harbor in, the fear of being hurt because of what she was becoming. The fear of who she would or could hurt. Her expectations were always high, but she never felt they were so high that others could not handle it.

alone

She leaves but its not really leaving. It's a small escape route given what her abilities allow her. Time means little to nothing anymore. Few things do. She leaves everyone behind, the few friends she does have or is willing to claim as much. She leaves work, food, life, but also him. There's that sliver of regret there, but everyone needs that time alone? If only it didn't mess with her stomach the way these thoughts did. She misses him when she's gone too long. Worries what he would be doing when she wasn't there. She doesn't want to worry him again, so she won't even come close to ruining his time. The things that are left for herself, the questions that are lying beneath the surface that she leaves them. Buried. There's too much all around her, everywhere. This is supposed to be where she belongs and all it does is feel lonely. She's known that feeling far too long. Worse, she knew exactly what it meant the moment those words were brought up so long ago. It felt like an eternity ago, when she asked questions. Knowing full well that there would be answers where she went. "she was gloomy." "kind of anti-social but not?" Because what kind of chance do you give people like this? What kind of chance do you have for yourself when you have all of this to deal with, to cope with? Either they don't care or you don't tell them. Explanations are difficult and being that kind of burden, no, you have done enough. They can't understand what it does to you, and if they did, you don't think you could handle the looks that came from it.

insecurity

She needs a moment, and she hates herself for it. But how else will she continue on when she desperately needs to feel something other than cold. She knows this, she feels it, and she hates it. To actually sit here and ask to be held, to have a hug, to want this sort of closeness. It's not something that should be unheard of, but its one of those moments. The pressure is left on her, the shaken aspects of having to handle the day-to-day. It makes her needy and weak, and she already feels that way enough. For all that he knows, for all that few know. She can't simply keep on like this. Everything will not be alright. These aren't dreams anymore, they have long since become reality. For all she joked about it, there was a seriousness to it. Maybe he would be better off with someone else. He deserved someone that wasn't sitting around waiting to become some last great fall for humanity. Because she wasn't her, but she was becoming her without the proper knowledge. Memories didn't tell you where your worst enemies would jump out at you. Worse when your worst enemy was really yourself. It was there, hiding deep within her, but not too deep. Always lying in wait for that moment she felt herself losing that control. Her own emotions slipping from her grasp. He was always so warm, a comfort without trying, even when she tried to tell him no. But she never really fought him when he wouldn't let go. It made her want to smile and cry all at once, but she wouldn't allow either. Instead, she would treat him like the darkness. Close her eyes, breathe him in, and accept her moment. She didn't know how much longer she was allowed to have this, and she was too fearful to look at that in the future. But she would take all she had now because she couldn't imagine gaining it again.