What went unnoticed was the time. The clock struck midnight and her entire world would change. The intense pain in her head sent her right into the fetal position. Her first time experiencing this chain of events, but it became a more unusual one than she even realized. Here she was with an added confusion. Feelings coming at her, like a war she couldn't win. Pouring in at each and every angle. Whichever little crevice it could find, it was moving in like a pillow to suffocate her. A tidal wave that built up while she was unable to get past the cold feel of the water, that would bury her further beneath its surface.
The hurt followed by pain, fear, confusion, it all rushed at her first. It was easier to believe it to be her own, but why so much? There was a sound, an added vibration. It took too long to register what or who it was. Clenched eyes opened wide, wild, prepared to strike whatever opponent made itself known. No one there, no one but her phone no more than a foot from her. A blinking light, as tears brimmed her eyes. This wasn't like her. Another wave of feeling came pouring at her, feeling more like she just took a swing to the gut. It left her breathless, but reaching.
The words were there, but it took longer to clear her eyes. Letting the tears fall, even though it bothered her to do so.
Hey you okay?
What did he know? Was this some sort of food poisoning that had taken more than a few people the other night? Strange illness popping up? Brain damage she couldn't recall having?
Need me to come over?
Her stomach clenched, preparing to lurch forward, as if it just knew, it knew this would be worse. No one could come over. She wouldn't invite anyone. There was no way for this. She couldn't handle this, it needed to pass already, whatever it was. The conversation helped with a distraction, an attempt to understand, but she could barely think. Everything spun around this ending, this stopping. To not have these feelings. Why it was here and how to get rid of it. The worst overwhelmed the good.
Rachel was trying so hard to understand what he was telling her, but she could barely grasp it given the reality of it. Two separate people in her head, she wasn't paying attention to any of this, just what she was feeling. There was no way she could handle this for an entire week. Another rush hit her and there was no stopping it. The stirring in her stomach, the topics he was trying to explain, the feelings that felt like they might as well have been compressing her. Scrambling, pulling at her covers, she nearly fell off the bed. Feet hit the floor first, but that was not all. A need to stay low, in hopes of everything turning out better than she knew. A rush to the toilet,, barely pulling hair out of her face as her body emptied itself. If only the headache and the emotions that were flooding her would go with it.
A lifeline was clenched in her hand, regardless of her confusion and issues with all of this. He still held more information than she understood, even if she didn't believe. There was part of her that wanted to. A realization without rationalization. All of this, while she just wanted to go crawl into a casket and ignore the world. A plush softness that molded with the dark. The idea of it felt safer than this. There was no way to live with this compounding on her as it was.
Tears streaming down her face, as dry heaves made themselves known. She wanted to be fixed, but there was no fix. There were few people she was even close to, and sometimes it made her wonder if life wasn't a sham. How long before she would have to worry about the next person running away from her or leaving her because of her own strengths and weaknesses. Because people didn't just stay in your life the way you want them to or expect them to. Those people that are supposed to.
Where she knew he wasn't like that, never one of those people, it didn't ever leave that unwavering feeling. That fear she would bite back and opt out of thinking over. Rachel was to be strong, to stand on her own. These are the lessons she gained from her parents and the downfall that played out as a teenager. Lessons that left her feeling lost as people went on their own ways to live their own lives. And here she was, feeling like some dependent speck of life playing tick. Pulling herself away from the toilet, she placed the phone down on the edge of the sink and stared at herself in the mirror.
In the midst of all these emotions she was feeling, she could capture the one that was her own. Anger building, flooding it all as she pushed at the imaginary wall that was there in her mind. She appeared a mess in her own reflection, a woman she didn't recognize anymore. Weak and crying, feeling unable to stand tall in whatever this was. Rachel refused to be that person. Even in the dark, she could see it. No lights were needed to be turned on over any of this.
Her anger burning through like a fire, scorching everything in sight. It allowed for some of another to make its way through. A touch of clarity. Added annoyance lighting up brown eyes, as she read the word help. Who he meant, who he was pointing at her as a possibility. If she could just hold onto that anger, it helped, for now. She could figure out something else later. He was only good for making it disperse, and that was not good. Idle threats placed, but she was actually going to go hide out in her closet. To curl up and lie there on the floor of it in the dark. Lock herself away from the world, like a child living in fear of what could find her on her bed. Imagining parents arguing in the main rooms, so loud that she could hear it. Her trash bin from the bathroom there with her, just in case. A pillow and a coat from the hanger.
A week. She just had to manage this week. There was only hope that she could sleep through its entirety or that this was just some night terror come to life. One more heave would be given, before pushing the bin out the door and closing it again. It would all be over come morning. Turning her phone off, she curled up, closing her eyes.
Mouth dry, throat hoarse, she swallowed hard. Eyes closed forcefully, she tried to allow her thoughts to linger on anything but the here and now. There wasn't an image or a name that made any sense. None of this could be rationalized, not one ounce of her own education or life experiences allowed for it. At the same time, there was something there, that tugged at her to believe it all. Each of these nods towards the direction she had only last night deemed psycho. Emotional responses that held no merit to what this meant. Just not the same emotions she was feeling and fighting as she lie here. Forcing herself up and out of the closet, she stayed low. Hands and knees, feeling some of the headache leave her, but pushing her in the direction it wanted her to. The one she didn't know or understand. It bothered her to move on some sort of plane that didn't allow for much thought. It was a base at which she was stationed, opting out of the random movements and into what cares she did want.
The pillow was left behind, as she nearly knocked over the bin. Slow and steady, she moved, phone being dragged in hand. A chill rushed through her body as she noted the sun filtering in through the blinds. She felt sensitive to the world now. As if everything she did or saw would spark some feeling to course through her. It didn't matter if it was hers or another. There were too many and she could not find a way to stomach it last night. She didn't feel as if she could go through that again. It was all still painfully there. A life she never asked for, all within the boldness of an evening to have transpired. Who had she angered in a past life?
The thought sent her mind back into a whirlwind. Images of a man, no, not a man. It held horns and appeared more like a beautiful monster. So intricate and uncertain. The sordid pictures one might find decorating books through drawings and art, to be implicated to be feared. A pain bubbling up inside of her, it almost went unnoticed given what other emotions she felt run through her. That wall built up last night was on its last ends. Almost useless for what she carried, but she pushed on, crawling, becoming more angry by what she was seeing and dealing with. This was not her. She didn't know any of it, yet there it was. It made sense to her in the strangest light. It left her turning back and eyeing her closet. To want and be drawn by that darkness. There was nothing there for her. It wasn't real, just a facade to help her sleep.
Hair falling in her face, she shook her head and kept moving towards the bed. The purple bedding, she craved its closeness. Soft and quilted, it gave her some peace of mind in ways that could not be found the night before. She wasn't going to be a glass house here. Forcing herself up, pushing even for the weight that was felt upon her. A heavy world that led her to feeling as though she needed to be the one without. Unfeeling and without this torture. It wouldn't be able to settle upon her so well, as if she were some sort of seat or throne waiting upon it.
A strong will was unwilling to relinquish rights. The forceful push that was deep in her chest, igniting her fight down as deep as her own soul. Neither woman prepared to allow another to take over this body. Her mind was spinning, lost in the emotions that were still pushing. Everything felt like a threat, to her life, to her will, to her sanity. If she didn't have this ability putting all of this pressure upon her, she could have just shrugged it off to anything else, but not this. There was no condition in order to commit to such a fate. She wasn't going to bow to this, to be lost, no matter what it did. A spark igniting in her, as she swallowed, the panic was over with the night. There was only a fight left here. A similar trait that had been held by both and they were both left cursing it and uplifting it all the same. He was right. It was there, but she didn't understand. More time was needed and she didn't have it. Things would have to be done her way as she tried to remember.
Crawling into bed, she wrapped herself up like a burrito with that cover. An unforeseeable smile ever so slightly left on her face. A smile that was covered by her hair, even as there was no one there to see it anyway. Alone and left to her own devices. Ignoring the sunlight that continued to attempt to brighten the room. It wouldn't be lost on her, but it would be left alone. If she could shut it out, she would have long ago. There was no blackout curtains or blinds for her though, because it was a fight. A strength of wills, not a block. The sun could fight her, push her, but it was not hers. She was not for the sun. There would be no pressure, no running away and hiding out as if it were really some zombies and she was in the apocalypse. No one was allowed in her domain.
A shower would be in her future, but not yet. These feelings were enough, she needed to decipher her own, to leave the rest alone. This was not her time or place, but she would ignore it all to be part of herself again. To hold something less restless within her, less the fight to be needed and more the kind to be wanted. Proving herself to no one but herself. If there was going to be a light that she was going to live by, it was going to be by the one within her. Not guided by others, but by her own feelings, choices, decisions. Whether she was seen as strong or weak, whether she was seen as someone who deserved it or didn't, none of these options would matter. It was what she saw, found, lived through and made it beyond here that settled into her bones. She wasn't going to allow herself to fall apart. That was the world around her. This was not her.
Everything was still there upon her. She didn't have to be happy. Life wasn't about happiness. If it were, then even animals and nature would run by it. A feeling of contentment during a struggle, like the eye of a storm, she would make it through. And if she didn't, at least she tried. It would all be on her as she tried to understand and cope with it all.
Rae, I'm sorry.
The message she fell asleep to last night, still there on her phone after she unlocked it. Making a distasteful face, she tossed it on the other pillow. "Gross."