She could control this, she had to. The memories were there, but she had to press through them. There was too much around her, going on around her. The flood of emotions, let alone her own. She had to maintain everything. It wasn't only the memories that foretold what the outcome was if she didn't, but her own previous actions. Rachel didn't like to admit it, and she hoped above all else she was wrong. That all of this was nothing more than her edging towards insanity or an illusion in her own version of hell. With the way that too many people did act, she did question it. If this was hell. She had accepted how things would be, what they were, but she didn't know what or when any of this would come to plague her. The way people spoke to her, the things said, she could always feel that paranoia creeping in. Too few understood, cared to listen, and those that didn't, weren't always capturing the full context of it. Whether it was by their own design, her own inability to express all of this nonsense to people, not wanting to come off as insane, or if it was by choice and design, none of it was up to her.

She could handle not having control of others, but there was one thing that ate at her. The way that people were nothing but a let down. People could claim and make comments about what they wanted. She wasn't playing contrary for the sake of it. The moment that she did put herself out there, it felt more like there was a bulls eye there. Bright and red, dripping no better than blood on her chest. Her own, at that. Waiting on someone to come and take a hit, because where she was supposed to be safe from these things. Claims of others being close or wanting to be, claims of being a friend or family, they didn't turn out this way. Whether ignorant to her current condition or unable to see beyond their own personal issues, she never knew. But this was how it all started.

Family was the same. People who were there for her, took care of her needs, allowed her whatever freedoms they could, and taught her what she needed to know. All before deciding to leave her before she was prepared to go out into the world. Like a flightless bird, not being pushed out of the nest. Abandoned. Left there for whatever prey to converge upon. This was like her going back in time and reliving a memory. One of those that no one would want to. Except even then the memory would be worse. Those people knew what they were doing and pulled the rug out from under her. People in passing months, they weren't as good about it. But it was the idea of it all. That someone would do these things to her, treat her like this willfully, and pretend to be a friend. They piled up enough that she questioned herself and it drove her to the level of feeling as though she were even crazier than all of these things happening to her.

Nothing was crazier than this. In the still of the night, here she was staring at a building she held no right or reason to be looking at now. Except maybe in a dream. And even then? This dream was all too real. Too logical. The air too crisp, the details too fine, even without her paying attention to them. Weren't dreams supposed to be realistic, or was she supposed to be able to realize she was in one?

Even here and now, she was staring at this building holding back that demon inside. Her emotions were the stronghold. The way that this last hit did break that emotional barrier. She could feel the difference, it ached all the way through her. Wanting out, as if it were crawling through her blood. The shift in her own vision, she felt more like she came right out of a horror movie. The way that it inked over every inch of her own eyes, all light and likeness gone, as she still fought it back. Meditation only went so far, could do so much. She had to be in control. This was her body, her life. There was more than one passenger along for this ride and she wasn't allowing it to pull her into what she knew could be. But it was so tempting. Lying there in wait, just for weakness like this.

Swallowing hard, she needed to be free. Needed more than to simply breathe. She had to go away, get away from everything. Because she was the only one that could fix this, with that resolve to maintain it all. Even half way across the world wasn't enough. She needed to do more than rely on Devin. The knowledge of that had been long since known. She wasn't the type to play that part. Knowing she could rely on him, that was one of those little notes that rang in the back of her head. One that she always knew, that one person she never had to second guess. It happened, but only with him proving himself right. Because this was human nature. Who knew she could be human with whatever this was in her?

She recalled being this person. It may as well have been another life for as long ago as it felt. The light dress, the sun against her skin, the sweet scent that danced around her. Life felt good, right. The world was another place, somehow better. Nothing like it was now. Rachel felt invigorated just by being here, standing and watching. The view and how everything had been. The way that unforgiving land bore its own fruit, through its own hard work, service, and needs being met. There was a beauty in it all. Too much light for her, even then, but it had its own draw too. Light was a necessity, just as darkness was. And darkness was a place she had felt that call too even before she held the abilities. It was easier to submerge into, to forget about life and live within the confines of now.

Everything brought her back to better times. Instead of tampering down her emotions, this called upon them. Not what she was hoping would happen, not what she wanted. This was the reaction still. It brought upon a sense of longing that she hadn't recalled having. It went with the memories. To be judged by others, but to still hold that family. Being deemed worthy and taught to control, to do the right thing. The life that she was held to live, to bring a deeper sense of peace and resolve. She was wanted for a reason, by both sides. A gateway. To hold her father's powers, his abilities, and allow him to come forth. But she fought against this birth right. Unwanted, uncaring, she wanted to save what good there was to save. Her soul self was that gateway between each sentence. Heaven, purgatory, and hell. She just couldn't make it to each one alone. But she could go on. Good, as her soul was free from a corporeal being. Otherwise, there in lie her issue. The temptation that fell upon her, that fell upon her now. The memories that taught her some understanding of this. The strength and tools necessary to hold it together. But to utilize them properly, to recall and understand the teachings. It was a push, a constant push.

Frozen there, no one could see her, not willfully. She was alone outside of herself. Her feet edging away from the ground, but covered even from view, if there had been anyone to see her. The edges of the light cloth there about her. She still wanted to scream, cry out, call for something or someone. To end it all. Had this all not been a big enough joke? Was she set to forever be some target for use and abuse? From those that claimed to care and from those that didn't? For no one to hear her or understand? She knew she should reach out, say something, get it out. Speak to someone, because something needed to be said with the way this all ate at her. Not because she wasn't worthy of anything good, but because of how it was effecting her. Infecting her, in a way.

Her skin could change, if she wasn't careful. Her eyes, would do more than what they had, adding more. Half a demon in a world that would only fear it. Wish to burn it alive and send it back to hell where it belonged, or throw holy water at it. She wasn't this person, this thing. The views of others didn't change or impact this other than who could or couldn't be trusted. Rachel refused to lose herself to this temptation, these emotions that she had been allowing too long before, thinking she was doing better when it only made it worse. It brought forth this side of her. It made her question if this wasn't Raven or if this was her, at first. Because there should only be two sides of the coin, shouldn't there? Not a third wheel and its temptations making her want all of those things she believed were due to her now? One with another sort of appetite. Only with a small itch that followed her own. The ease and draw to follow through with it.

Turning on her heel, it took nothing of her or from her. Simply disappeared from this place to move onto the next. A long line of places, random desires, trying to find peace for herself. One of those mental pictures she was hoping to look back to, think back on, and give her what she needed. But all of this was making her believe that maybe this was the wrong direction. Maybe this did more harm than good? At least she was trying, pushing, attempting to get somewhere with this than sitting there stewing. She needed freedom from these thoughts, from this thing she felt creeping up on her each time her emotions ran too high or hot. Was she even allowed to love?

She had left, without much word but a short message early that morning. After the comments exchanged, unwilling to sit there and allow this all to change her again. She had to fight what there was there, to not become whatever this was. Where Devin accepted, she questioned if it was blindly or the way that she would have. Leaning towards the second, because the first was always one of those insecurities of her own. She didn't know if she deserved the way he treated her, the way he always had. But she took it, accepted it, never wanted to let it go even when she did. For the sake of allowing it to breathe, for him to have his own life. The kind that she didn't believe she was meant for.

Yet, here she was in the middle of it with him. Willingly, with complete acceptance of whatever it was she was. She felt tortured enough, and that freedom and knowledge alone, it did things for her that nothing else could or would. Not because she needed acceptance, longed for friends or popularity. These were things she didn't even care for back in high school. Never a time she could recall caring about. It was because he treated her the way that she expected people to do so. Her first and only real friend that held through everything. Even where there had been distance, things that went unsaid or unspoken of, it didn't matter. What mattered was always there and then.

In that moment, she pulled up the photo because she missed him. From all that she had done in the morning light and through the afternoon and some of the evening. Time was hers to go through as she pleased. Her abilities allowing her to set precedence in so many ways. Those emotions and the release of them causing her power to be stronger. Life held a different meaning to her. But would it lead to the world burning, as she watched it all? Everyone scurrying for what they could, who they could? Because he is where she would go. He was that one person that stood by no matter what and she didn't think to go in another direction.

There were things that she did realize that she needed someone else to turn to. A person that could be trusted. Not because he wasn't right, but for a less biased opinion. For ideas that went outside of their box, to understand and reshape things. Where he grounded her, she held freedoms that she didn't fully comprehend. Possibilities were endless, but she didn't want to ruin anything. For as close as she had come in so many ways, looking to end herself to make things better. There needed to be more there, that would keep her at bay from these tendencies. She knew this wasn't right, not the way she should be viewing things, right down to taking care of what was his. It was a responsibility she took uncaring about the consequences, and it left her feeling burned. As though there wasn't enough of a target on her. It wasn't even that she felt hated or some sort of dislike. There wasn't a care in the world.

Whatever there had been going on, it left her wide open as some unforeseen source to look to use for whatever need that was drooled up and she didn't understand it. Why her? What was the need or want in bothering with her? She knew what some believed, their thoughts on the matter, but this had become too much. One after the other. The nuisances that came from it all. Was it that unusual for someone to want or care for a conversation that held depth to it? It wasn't a constant, but she enjoyed them. Even if she was made wrong or they ended up going nowhere. What would it matter? Not every debate or argument was going to lead to someone believing what you do. The odds were more slim than anything she had ever known.

There were times like these where she wished she could say something as simple as I want to go home. But home was looking her dead in the face. Right there in the photo because that was what he had become years ago. And without him, she only ever found herself in the worst kinds of trouble. She needed to go home.