In essence, she could too. It would be so simple and no one would second guess it because how unlike her would that be? How or why would much of anyone really care? It was just her. Small and insignificant as far as the world turned.
She wanted to cry, scream, wail, but that took energy. An expenditure she did not have to waste anymore. If she was barely able to hold herself together at the seams, what would this be? Every memory that came to pass, that scratched and clawed its way to the surface, even though it wasn't her own. Each and every single one screamed out for the same things. There was a call to this and she wasn't prepared. Strength and necessity were not abundant in what was going to be asked of her. It didn't matter that these people weren't here. How could she be asked to be this person? To go on in these ways?
All she ever wanted to do was to be selfish. After everything in life that she had already endured, from the fact that her own parents couldn't have cared less about her over themselves? That she was instead alone in this world outside of one person that had been there through everything, in his own way. Everything felt like a loss. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. People acting one way, but saying another.
In the end, it was always but one thing that settled into her mind. She was the one person she could count on, and no matter what she had to trudge through, she had to. She didn't even know how to explain all that was going on, but she found she didn't want to. Not in fear of what it would next cost her. Let them all find their own path. Hers would only lead to destruction. Better not to take anyone with her.
Childhood was about control. There weren't so different that way. But the level at which was needed, the way she couldn't feel. The strength and amount at which she would need to learn. That fire that burned within her. Deep, lying in wait for what it was called to do. All of the memories were not there yet. The backlash, the unleashing that it could cause holding back, she didn't know of it yet or understand it. Only what she was taught, only how they all treated her. Rachel didn't want this, to be this thing. Whatever it was, she knew. If anything, she knew too much and didn't want to believe it. There was no other choice to.
Thoughts dwelling back far enough over the past few days. She hadn't meant to, it was an accident. But how many times is that going to go over? What if the next accident gets someone hurt? All because she wasn't paying attention or realizing what she was doing? She may as well be a set bomb to go off at any moment in time. Walk right into a busy building and just go off. The amount of damage she could do, and not having known it would happen. Only that it could.
A light hum, nothing special going on in her mind. She hadn't even recognized the words or thought anything of it. For all she knew it was some random song that she heard or something off of the television. A movie even. No, this was something else. It didn't matter that she had probably hummed those same words over a dozen times without realization either. It was in the memories. If only she had caught on sooner, but if they didn't do anything, what did it matter? Until it did. Fire, it was all around her. Out of nowhere it had found a means to spark.
The quick need for the fire extinguisher at work, what was she supposed to do? What was going to be her excuse this time? Should she just quit and walk away? This was like home. The only thing she felt equipped to do with her life anymore. What she even held up and went to school over, without another path. Her whole life feeling mapped out for her, the anxiety that poured through her. The waves of panic and rushed movements to take care of everything in one large sweep. She had to be quick, she had to think.
If it wasn't one thing, it was another. It happened again later, in a place she was less worried about. To finally gain the nerve to try and utter those words again. To find herself surrounded by it, tempted to step into it and melt the way she had known bodies to do so. To burn under fire so hot that it incinerated everything, from flesh to bone. Right down to ash. How easy would it be? Then nothing and no one would have to ever worry about being safe from her. To end whatever evil that could have been savagely and callously handling this place because of her. Her own memories, they told a story. It didn't mean that this was the way that everything would take a turn for, but they brought about enough light to question it all.
In her own thoughts she was lost and it nearly did just as she asked. To burn hotter, thicker, to come to her call the way that the darkness did. Except nothing was there to save her. Where she wanted to smother the flames, there she was, wanting to feel the pain, even to the point of reaching out and allowing the burn. The scold that could come, but she didn't. Time froze, as she came so close to it. Allowing it to lick her hand the way a pet might. Being in control, yet completely out of it as she stood there. Lost in the confines of her own mind.
She couldn't say she hated anyone, but how she did want to. It would allow her a reason to feel this way, this pain, this hurt. What wasn't her own and what was, she couldn't separate it anymore and fell to her own knees. The ground not giving her anything soft to land on, but a hard ping that was felt through her core. Pain for pain. The most she could do from it was clench her jaw, but that was already being done, holding back what was left of her pride. She wanted to be done, to make this all go away. Let it choose someone else. She couldn't protect anything, couldn't save anything or anyone when she couldn't even do that for herself.
No excuses were wanted. Change was. Something she knew she would never see, because it was proven before her eyes. Expectations were a tough aspect of life. She hated having them. Above all else, she hated caring, but there it was. Right down to feeling. What happened to her? She knew the answer, worse, she knew that these things did exist once upon a time. They were just better hidden than they are now. Than they have been in months. The way that her own emotions had felt like they were rubbed raw within the depths and confines they were locked away.
She couldn't hide anything properly. She didn't know how. Beyond everything being fine, how else was it supposed to be? Good? That felt like a cop out. Great? That was a bold lie. She needed to find a new way, her way. Something that went beyond what had been working, because if this was the way she was going, she would end up being that person they all thought she would be. The way the world would change and reap the worst kind of seeding. This wasn't how she wanted to be. This wasn't her life. She wasn't Raven. Not that she wanted it either, but she had been better prepared, or so Rachel would like to believe. With these memories, how she was treated, the teachings, these people that took her in and looked after her. The way they did her mother.
At least she didn't ruin everything she touched. Because after a while, it was easier to look in than outward. Wouldn't this all be her own fault for not wanting to live in some fake bubble? To be just like everyone else and play pretend? Or maybe that girl that everyone believed her to be or expected. It wasn't as though most listened. The best she held was one person to fully trust, even though she felt like she was coming around to another. Because conversation and understanding held more than she ever could have expected. But the route that could always turn. She hated all of this second guessing. There was little room for mistake anymore. She had to be sure, in the end, of what she was doing. Another outburst or outlashing, She didn't need to be this person again. The one fighting all that she had been in previous days or weeks. The emotions that called upon it, called it out.
Being there for people, it got her nowhere except pain. Being without people, it only continued to wage the war of pain. Left in her own corner, to her own devices. She felt that much more crazy. Where it was a place to find comfort, it now made her feel lost in her own head. How insane did she have to keep feeling? There was so much to handle, so little time. She needed a change, another change. One that held more feeling, but less all at once. Not to be fake, but to find something more within. It wasn't that she didn't believe that she could commit to all of this, but to be emotionless, to be without love, without care or fear. These were not things she was any longer capable of. How did you get rid of it without ending yourself? Without having gone back in the past and committing those acts that she had first thought to do in the beginning of this mess. There was a fine line here and she wouldn't cross it. She had promised him. As much as it hurt her to know that.
So here she was, staring down at the world, not wanting to be smothered anymore. Struggling to find some breathing room, putting distance between her and her problems. There was only so much she could do of this, otherwise it was just a crutch and she knew it. She needed a new plan, a new set of solutions, to change what she had here. To not lose more than she had gained. Because this was her life and she was going to keep it, fight for it, bleed for it, even if she was some sort of gateway. There had to be another way. If only she could see it with her own eyes. With as much as she could feel, one would expect this to be realistic. For all of this to come true now.
There were high hopes that she could already dash from her own mind. She didn't like the idea of being optimistic. Rational. To know that there was more than one direction, a plausible downfall and side to it all. Not to place all the negative out there, but to be prepared. But how to be prepared now? It felt like the answer was staring her in her face. He kept saying he was there for her, that he wouldn't leave. But was that better or worse? To know that she could hurt him, regardless of what trust was there?
She needed rules to follow, guidelines, but these were horrible ones. She didn't even know how to work this magic properly. Let alone how that came to pass. It made her feel like a child again, learning all of these random things that you didn't know why you needed to know. The way that everyone complained about math and its uses later in life, or the nonsense that was history. Plays by William Shakespeare. But they all had their points, their finer reasoning, you just needed to know how to appreciate it. And at the time, few did. But not her. Until now, anyway. Now she was just some outsider that was looking in. To some random jar that held no label. It felt worthless, and not what she wanted or needed. She needed control. Not just of these abilities, but of her life. The kind that was not handed out, but the kind that went against all of these teachings that were in her head.
But where to start? Where could she find solace in all of this? Deep breaths, she hoped for some sort of peace to come over her. To be able to find it, like someone to mourn. A departed area of her life that she no longer knew. It was ill fated, but never forgotten. If there were so many similarities to the women, to her and the other, she hated to question it, but maybe it was her own past that she needed to look at under a fine tooth comb. Better place to start than nothing.