Was it not better to give others better, even if it meant you sacrificed yourself? To whatever delusion this was, should that not pull her out of it and wake her up? Would it end her life and let her finally go at peace? Knowing all of the answers to the questions were less of the issue when it came to trying to control what she held. The fear, the pain, the joy, the hope that came from everywhere, not in feelings, but in thoughts. The depressing words, the light-hearted dreams. She knew how to lie, she knew how to pretend that things weren't how they were, but she didn't want that. It was pushed away without thought.
Was everything crashing down around her again? All because few looked at the deeper issue, saw that there was more than an empty hole? There was more there to argue, to point at, but in the end, she couldn't show the weakness. The pain that was held there over her family. The last time she held that level of attention and where it hurt her and worried her. There was nothing good that came from it. She didn't want to think about home, but everything lately had been so raw for her. Layers stripped away as she stared at what could be done or what might come next. There were no memories of whatever life she could have held before, but the knowledge of what other horrors could come. What if this wasn't all there was? What would she do when she did hold them?
Would she lose herself here, the way she was? To recall all of the newspaper clippings and the questions from reporters that found their way to the door? The looks from random people at school or just down the street, always knowing something was wrong? To have to sit in that room waiting to visit her father who put her in these situations.
That feeling that came with losing herself, from tearing away from her own body, she welcomed it, not bothering to look back. Flying off, as high as she could go. She didn't care where she went or how, even as she questioned bothering to go back. Leaving herself to lie there as some vegetable she believed herself to be already. Hollowed out and away from the world. She felt her sanity cracking more and more, less and less of herself. More weaknesses and less strengths to be shown. No matter how she distracted herself, whatever conversation she allowed herself to not handle the situations, those small smiles or laughter, to force some level of normalcy, here she was forced to remember it. Let it all stay with her body. Her spirit was free of it. A large, black bird in the distance, flying high in the midst of darkness. A raven without the need tot speak the word 'nevermore'.
Vision turning to the moon, shining bright above her, clouds passing through it all. This was where she would find peace, but it didn't grant her everything she wanted. She would have to go back. She would have to endure the thoughts, the mess that was in her head. Not just from the thoughts projected by others, but those in her own mind. Something wasn't right with her, and she couldn't pinpoint what that was. There was nothing that Google could give her as a means of help here.
Time would pass but not as much as it would feel like. She couldn't just leave her body alone like this and continue to stay this way. Pain was experienced when gone for too long, and there was no telling what sort of effects would come of it, as she left herself there in that state. With so much running through her, surging, amplified because of her raw emotional state. She didn't understand enough about what was happening and she didn't care. The only aspect garnered was that of wanting it to be done. To wake up from whatever this was and to move on with her life. Whatever she was doing, becoming, it wasn't like her. Not with what it was doing to her emotions. It made her feel like she was so much younger again, having to worry and feel everything like she did. More of a shut in was the only resolve.
Here, she wanted the darkness to swallow her whole. To take her and pull her among the stars above. To be allowed that real freedom that she always believed she wanted. This wasn't who she was though. This wasn't what she was. Looking back down at the ground, she could feel everything on another plane here. The sight wasn't the same. But one look at the ground and she knew she was grounded. There was no flying so high here. There would be no leaving it all. She couldn't turn away, not what was there. A reason to be drawn to a place she didn't know in the first place.
The feeling and knowledge alone pulled her right back in. It couldn't have been so long. Not more than ten or twenty minutes in the end. Leaving her back at her own window, flying right back in. Her own features coming through the darkness surrounding the room, like the ghost of Christmas past. Staring at herself lying there appearing at peace, but she knew what battle waged within. There was a momentary swallow, hard, as if it were actually possible to swallow something like this. She didn't want to step back into this after being away. What pain would follow and how to handle it. Not while having just experienced the opposite.
If she could shake from nervousness, if there was a feeling to handle outside of this strange sense of peace, now would be the time. Closing her eyes, she moved, entering her own body again. Her head taking the worst of it, the pain that felt more crippling than anything. Hands back to her temples, as she fought back for control, hoping that all of this had helped calm her more. That there would no longer be some cycle that led to feeling out of control and continuing this pain.
Sitting up, head still clenched, it helped, it pushed everything back, but not enough. Her stomach turning from it, it took her time to realize that her phone had went off. Rolling her eyes at it, she moved to wipe something from her face, she figured it had been from crying or a runny nose. The red that tainted her fingers gave cause for alarm and her eyes couldn't move away. Quickly moving to try and clear it, not sure if there was more there or not, she moved at a frantic pace before recalling her phone. A few more minutes to pass, before an answer, only after she was satisfied with the line drawn from her nose now being gone.
Concern was met with an awful feeling. It wasn't anyone's fault, it was hers. Things that shouldn't phase her, they did. Only worse when she couldn't be sure if some voices in her head were her own or something else. Indecisiveness where she was usually so certain. Looking back, she stared at the door. Why was the closet the one place she felt safe?