Little light filtered in through the windows, the city outside asleep for the most part. Lying on her bed, the world away from her, but if she wanted to go out there, she knew how. Wouldn't even have to remove herself from her bed. To allow her soul to pull away from her body, much like it had before. She recalled the pain that came with it if she was gone for too long. Pain she could handle, because at least then it was real. The deep resolve and ache to feel that again. Of what she could see and feel, to take a taste of where her life held fast.
Previous visits she hadn't meant to make, those weren't what she wanted now. Nor the ones where she found herself looking over herself. To stare at the unknown, what others couldn't see. Just how alone she was here. It was quiet, peaceful, and almost unforgivable. This was her place, her space, but he had been right. Even though she had been sober, the consequences of her actions went with only a mild uncertainty. The space at which she wasn't entirely sure of now, what to do with or without. Tossing and turning, she wanted something but the what held unknown. A craving that left her sucking in her cheek in thought, or biting her lip in equal measure. Staring into the dark at her ceiling, covers over her small frame, kicked off, and pulled back again.
Aggravation after aggravation, she didn't know what was worse. The feeling of lacking or the craving of the unknown. An itch that wasn't unscratched, just not in the way that perhaps was needed. She didn't know. This was all so much and she felt insane enough. Whether people were part of this delusion or if this were all real, it wouldn't matter. She wanted more. There was a taste for it, a power that came hovering into it all. The room darkened, as if by request, and she grinned into it.
Creatures created and dissipated with a thought, as she reached out to touch the, run her fingers through the darkness with the most laughter she could recall holding. A bubble that pushed its way up her chest, throat and out of her mouth. More pain, in the darkness, and she was loving every minute of it. But it didn't hold to what she needed. This craving, desires that held fast to her still. It wasn't satiating that beast. It was another thing all together. But what, became the issue. Feeling more and more like a spoiled child that wasn't getting what she wanted, she growled at herself. Pushing herself up away from the bed, a mess of long, dark hair and feelings she wasn't used to handling. Calmer than before, used to these abilities as she still felt herself getting a grasp of them. They were hers to control, no matter what she was or who she was.
Feelings lost in translation, she pushed it all away. She was in control here, of this, whatever it was. No more panic or fear to consume her. She would do no one's bidding but her own. The darkness swirled around her, pulling it in to herself, she stood on her feet, indulging herself in all of this. New sights, sounds, the feel of this life. There was a light that came through for her, with everything else going on. She called to it, or maybe it was calling to her. Either way, she knew what she wanted, and this was going to be it. Beckoning it, this bubble of light grew, hearing her call. The force of it was more difficult to control this time, but she held on. Emotions too strong, a sea crashing inside of her. Focus was needed, and she was trying, but here she was pushing.
There would be no admission in needing help. Not even in the fact that she was going to do this. There was no intentions in saying anything more than had been said. They probably weren't real, none of this was. Rachel barely blinked as she pushed through this all. Sparks of light splattering towards her as she started to see herself now. The pull away from her own body, staring at this point in time and space. A person she had been in the past.
Everything moved backwards. Carnal moments in leather, pieces felt through gloves. The use and abuse of others, as they did the same to her. Innocence and youth long gone as her own parents wouldn't recognize the young woman that had been in that room. The inescapable loss of self, yet newly found through random accepted moments. Without a smile or smirk, no exchanged touches or glances, but a simple gesture or nod of the head and walking away. Everything ended in her walking away because she wasn't going to be the one left again.
Time kept moving, shifting in its own convoluted swirl, and there were those college moments. The ones where she was left alone trying to sleep in her car. Unwilling to put up with those girls that were in the room she was supposed to share with them. It wasn't going to happen, and she didn't care how she would get out of it, but it would happen. Just because she wasn't gaining some full ride through school, that didn't mean she was going to put up with that type of person. Not in close quarters. She had no solitude. If that was how everything would be, she might as well have been finding a corner and sleeping at work. It was more suitable. Quiet and without some drunken one night piece of ass trying to get it on in the next bed, claiming she was just jealous when she complained. If only they had known just how far off that thought was. Not that it would ever matter.
Swim meets she didn't care about, sitting through it out of a sense of loyalty. Boredom except for what words were held in a book. Ink that obtained more emotion than anyone that could speak them to her. But this was what happened still, further back, right into high school. Dark hair pulled back, whipped around and held to keep off her neck. The heat of the day getting to her, making her pages stick to her fingers. Big brown eyes looking upward at the mention of the right names. It was the only thing that took her attention away. Until, there it was. What she recalled, what she wanted. The image froze, as her body stood, her own image breaking away.
There was that itch in her again. The urge to take herself by the shoulders and shake her for all she could. To tell her to run now, to never look back. To take care of herself or to realize what mattered most from this place. This wasn't hers to keep and she didn't need it. There was better out there awaiting her and that it would get better. Thoughts shifted, as she thought to go back and change her parents lives. To fix whatever it was that created this turning point in her life. To make everything better for everyone. But it would only escalate into something else and she knew it. That's what hurt the most. The realization in all of this, that if her parents were going to be this way, to do what they did to her, that this was how things were fated to play out. It would have just been fated to another time. If he was going to do what he did to make an extra buck, it would have been another time to get caught. That her mother would have been gone the moment the money ran out and everything became harder. Because of her father. It was all related and she was lucky it had lasted until she was seventeen.
Her face, her features were so soft, so innocent. Had there really ever been a time she had seemed so? It didn't matter who hated or feared her then. Who loved her or cared for her. She wasn't an object, she was a person. This person that wasn't meant to be led to manipulation, just heartbreak by those closest to her. She knew that her view of life, especially her own was skewed, but after so many years of it, there was only so many ways to see it. All the while, being in the thick of it. To be stuck in your own mind and mentality.
If only other people could have seen what she saw in that moment. Through her own eyes, maybe there would have been a difference. But that was part of her draw to him. That acceptance that came where she hadn't found elsewhere. It wasn't to gain more or to manipulate her into something else. It just was. Simply mutual. No underlying sappy feelings or thoughts and beliefs, outside of having someone relatable. But the emotions that were there, the inability to want to pull from a shell that was safe. The very same shell that would only end up cracked and bruised after this, until it finally fell apart. Beaten and bashed, abused, until she had to stand that much taller. There was only one person to prove herself to and that was herself. She couldn't just blame her parents for everything. This was on her too.
A lifetime worth of worthlessness. It was that one fear and feeling that held to enough teenagers. That uncertainty about themselves and how the world around them worked or would treat them. The want to be accepted and cared for. She fought against the tide because that was where the large groups were. People she held no shared interests with, those that frowned upon her except in wanting something. Those people that didn't understand why or cared about who she was because she didn't fit their molds at their tables.
She could fit in with those popular kids if she wanted to, but that was just like being in a zoo. Not because people were always watching you, while you may as well be sitting in a cage. It was the consistent need to stake claim or keep your place. The fighting for the unseen that she didn't care about. Physically fighting was one thing, but there should be a reason that was more than a status. She was angry enough on her own, willing to ball a fist and jump in with the best of them, even then. Anger being an easy fuel to a quick spark. It would only be set off more after this day. Each person that went too far, came close to that line, was knocked back harder. Anger and the willingness to payback whatever was dealt to her ten fold. Because she held something to prove. To herself, to her parents, to her own surroundings. She wasn't going to just back down to anyone, she was worth something. It didn't matter if they saw it and understood, it just mattered that she held that declaration and was willing to prove it. That it was there and what they did with it would be on them.
Time pulled together slowly, as she watched it all, but without anyone to see her. She wasn't there, not as far as they were concerned. Just a random bird or lost in the darkness of shadows in the middle of a hot day. Cloaked and lost in her own eyes. It was just as she remembered it, second for second, minute by passing minute. Watching herself fall apart within the confines of the house. To watch herself crumble there, in shock and fear, as Rachel refused to be this person again. Weak and crippled from loss, unknowing what to do. All while she wanted to do nothing but hurt her mother. To tear her apart after following her in months time. It would be in a blink of an eye for her here. To throw the woman into another place, another time, and let her try to make it out of that alive. She was her mother though, and she loved her. The pain of what happened here, how little she felt thought of or cared for, it didn't make sense. Was it something to keep searching for though? Especially the way she had held to the belief of her father's innocence for so long?
How many were worthy of that kind of loyalty and trust? Just because they bore you and took care of you? Until they ruined it all. The change in their own lives and how it all turned out. The way they left her. No, she had to get out of here and now. Stomaching all of this again and again would do her no good. She had to be done with all of this. Close this chapter, because she needed this feeling to leave her. It did her no good, even though she thought she let this go so long ago. Those years on the road, trying to find a place where she felt like she was home again. A safe place. And the moment she finds it, she is lost again. Not like this, not with whatever insanity this was or would be. She was safe.